i am incredibly self destructive and need to start considering how that effects my relationships/what that means for how I behave in real life.
I also cheated about 7 times on my first boyfriend. He lived in San Francisco, and I in Santa Cruz. I actually feel the worst about that relationship. I invited him to a show that my other ex boyfriend was at, that I really wanted to see. He bought me the tickets. He spent the entire night with me. I ditched out on him to hang out with my ex boyfriend who was a 27 year old. I was 19. That was the night that I broke up with my ex girlfriend as well. I appear to be self destructive in my relationships. I am noticing a pattern in my behavior, concentrated on the fact that I tend to pull drastically away from people when something bad happens in my life. I tend to just completely emotionally reject everyone/every relationship I have in my life when I don’t feel like other people care about me. I uproot myself in order to hurt myself emotionally. Physically, I smoke a shit load of cigarettes and drink a lot of booze.
I cheated on my ex girlfriend with my ex boyfriend after I was raped when I was ~21. We had really emotionally/physically disatisfactory. We had dated for a year, and I was still in love with him. He wouldn’t talk about his emotions and got really quiet, which is what he did whenever he felt strongly about something. He immediately fell asleep and we laid together in the most uncomfortable of ways. I still think about him because he’s the only person I’ve ever been able to be my completely self-destructive with. Who was as equally as self-destructive as myself. I romanticized our relationship because it felt punk as fuck and real. He turned out to be kind of a rape apologist and it was hard to talk to him afterwards, although we would make eye contact sometimes across rooms in events for old house/old friend group. I woke up in the morning and left, taking my bag. I was bed ridden for a year after we broke up. I ended up failing all of my classes for almost a year because I was too emotionally distraught to go to class. That relationship might have been the worst thing that ever happened to my ability to help my ability to trust other people. My relationship with my mother didn’t help my ability to trust anyone, but my relationship with him really effected my ability to emotionally bond with relationships. That’s the god’s honest truth. I was kicked out of every single place that I went into for two years and felt abandoned by my friend group.
art is transient. a transition from this color. to this larger color. it swells and contracts. becomes stationary. then explodes. (as an artist) do not be afraid to travel with it.
—nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed)